Dark Moments

I hate when I get like that. I know I am being irrational and upset for no real reason. Sure something will have set me off but it is not something that should cause that reaction. However, I can’t seem to stop myself. I am looking at myself thinking ‘Christ just pull it together woman!” and yet I continue to rant and rave and cry and say things I don’t mean. I am hurting and sad and I want to feel better but I don’t know how to make it stop and I am terrified it won’t. I feel like I am watching the Big Black Dog circling me, sensing my weakness and waiting for the right moment to pounce and that this time I will be devoured never to be seen again. Always to be trapped in this world of hurt and loss. By myself. Unable to communicate with the outside world. Forever locked into my pain never again to feel happy or calm.

And then it will pass and I am exhausted and slightly embarrassed but mostly relieved. Relieved that I am not a monster. That I can once again be a rational calm human being, that I look like, sound like and feel like me again. Or at least the me I prefer to be.